Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Final Bachlorett Night!

Its not that I got sick. its that I got SICK!!! Strep throat, immediately after the night of chicken in a bag. For those who have had it, you know it takes you out. I was a sweating, crying, mess from the pain. By Saturday, I was sure there was no way I could go to Lady Zombies bachelorette party (the official one). Disclaimer: there will be some illegal activity mentioned in this blog, as well as the molestation of the former Pope. Read no further if you have a problem with sensitive material, or if you are a strict Catholic. It begins like this (text conversation):
Me, Zombie, I cant come. I am too sick. Zombie, “Aww, mama. Noooo!”
Me, “Sorry, really wanted to be there. Have a great time.”

Twenty minutes later, I get this text from a person who will remain nameless because this is illegal, and Zombie’s mom is reading this. And, she is a cop.
Nameless person, Nena, you need antibiotics? Ill get you antibiotics!
And then from La Morta (maid of honor) after I text her that I am dying, No, dont die! You need juice! Ill get you juice! So, I get up, shower, dress, and take my now very swollen face to 234 West 42nd Street, the infamous Madame Tussauds. Where else would Zombie start her bachelorette night out, other than a wax museum with a bunch of prosthetic people?
I get there, and text Lady Zombie, Where are you all? Zombie, Right here! Me, Where? Zombie, Outside with Timberlake!
LMAO. I see them, and they are gorgeous vixens: Mama Zombie, La Morta and the bride-to-be Lady Zombie. And, Justin Timberlake... even though he is wax, I believe is sporting a slight wax boner... dont tell whatever wax star he is dating... she would be jealous. Earlier in the day, Scarlett had gone to do Zombies hair, and it was amazing. She looked ready to walk down the aisle. i walked up to them and said, Juice and antibiotics! Both were quickly provided and we were now waiting for the other ladies to show up. Venus comes running up to us, and for a moment, I didnt even recognize her! She wasnt in her usual extravagant make-up, but all I can say is WOW - what a beautiful girl! I just kept looking at her like, Who is this? Marilyn arrives next with her bodacious, pin-up, glamorous self. I am thinking we are a really interesting group of women to look at... and just then this man walks up to us and says, Um, havent I seen you all on TV? I laugh because I have always felt we should be a reality TV show. At the very least, Zombie should, but Im not sure the world is ready for that. Zombie blows smoke just over his head and says, Yes, all of us. “I knew it! What show? “All different shows. Mama Zombie chimes in, Me, you have probably seen on the 10 o'clock news. This gives him pause, because when you look at this blonde, sexy, firecracker, the last thing you are thinking is cop, so, I am sure his fantasy ran straight to criminal. At that point, he got a little scared and sorta moved away. We all giggled like the junior high girls we are, and decided the others could find us inside since we seemed to be attracting a bigger crowd than Timberlake. This whole event is mostly a photo op. We are girls that loved to be photographed. And we were photographed with the best: Morgan Freeman Johnny Depp George Clooney Marilyn Monroe Johnny Cash Jimi Hendrix The list goes on and on... Now somehow, every photo that bride Zombie is in looks like she just got caught by the paparazzi, out shopping or on a date. It was weird. Zombie had also given us all rings for being involved in her wedding. They are so pretty, silver, delicate, ladylike with amethyst. When I put it on my hand, she said, Now you gotta marry me. I said, No. You gotta marry La Morta and get a brownstone, so the bitches can come over, and we can have a dungeon, and a yard, and BBQs! See? There is a plan! Dont deviate from the plan! Of course my ring goes flying off my hand and lands on Johnny Depps feet. I would take that as a good sign, however this Johnny Depp is wax, so no. I promptly put the ring on my necklace and sported it that way to make sure I didnt lose it. Looks pretty on a chain, too. Venus runs off to the bathroom to put makeup on, and I gotta pee, so I go with her. While I am waiting on line, this woman comes to me and asks if she can can please cut in front, because one of the little girls she has with her just vomited on her shoes. I said of course and thought just keep the kid away from me, shes puking. All three girls are staring at me. They are maybe 7 or 8, and the womans daughter says, I like your dress. That woman looked at me like I was the devil, and if she didnt have some puking child with her, she would have snatched her and ran. I decided I didnt have to pee so bad after all, and left. The reason we had to wait was because Venus was transforming in the bathroom. I wonder what that woman thought when she saw Venus walk out of there. At this point, Munky has met up with us in the opening night ballroom, too. We meander around, taking pictures, talking to wax figures, just having a blast... and then... we see him. The Pope. What happened next will make me laugh for life... suddenly, Venus goes running towards him, falls to her knees, and starts to give him felatio. Chaos ensues! Me, There are children here! Mama Zombie, Dont worry, shes just praying! I am pretty sure Zombie yelled, He is absolving her of her sins! We all yelled some other dirty things, making a scene... But, isnt it the truth? Everyone knows if you blow the Pope, you get absolved of your sins. I think we were all so stunned, that no one got a clear picture. Believe me... it happened! I dont know what he looked like before, but that wax Pope had a smile on his face when we left.
Then we saw Obama, but you had to pay to take a picture with him, and honestly... no one wants to pay to blow the president. I mentioned that I had to pee. Well, I still do when we come across the house of horrors with real actors, called SCREAM! I am not a big horror girl. Yes, I have watched all the movies and I am fine with that, but I dont like people touching me and scaring me when I gotta pee. The barker said no one will touch you but I kinda didnt believe him, since he was standing there boning Venus the whole time he was saying it (big plastic femur in her backpack... thats another story). I go three steps in, and then there is a loud CLAP... and back out I go! “Meet you on the other side, girls! I dont want to pee myself halfway through this! I can hear the whole thing as I wait at the exit. Honestly, I think the girls are terrifying than the actors. Leave it to us to scare the horror house. I peek in and see one of them holding on to La Morta and I yell, See? I told you they would be touching! And that fool chased me past the door out into the wax museum, terrifying everyone and making me laugh like crazy! I can run in heels, so I bolted - screaming and laughing the whole time. We all had a good laugh. It turns out La Morta was trying to get one of the actor ghouls to come in this private room she found. Poor guy got scared didnt know what to do. If he was smart, he would have taken her in that private room. Told you there would be touching! We all settle down for a drink in the candy shop, and in walks Sasha. Oh, she looks amazing! I cant even really describe what she is wearing, but she looks like a debonair 1920s film star... Marlene Dietrich style. The way she dyed her hair recently, makeup and the outfit were perfect! Zombies face lights up when she sees her in glam Zombie loves glam. The group is almost complete now - just waiting for Scarlett to meet us at the next event. There is still a movie to see before that! A 4D (thats right, not just 3D... 4D) movie, after posing with our favorite superheros. They are life size too! The Hulk Thor Captain America The movie was so much fun! It was all of our favorite Avengers: Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Spider Man, and they were all fighting Thors evil brother Loki, and some ice guys. The seats shook, you got poked in the back, things tickled your feet ( I hope that wasnt just me) and then we got sprayed in the face with water when ever there was water in the movie! What?!! This was the wrong group of women to be spraying in the face! Weve got makeup on and lashes! Yeah, we got loud! The rest of the audience was so nice and civil... not us! That shit happened twice! But it was really fun nice way to end the tour, and now we needed to go to our next event. I do have to say it was a special day at Madame Tussauds. We managed to take a perfectly nice tourist attraction and turn it into our personal playground! Next stop... karaoke!
That was phase one, and due to the maid of honors genious planning, and her knowledge that all of us would be wearing heels, she planned the next event right around the corner at a place called Pulse. We had a private karaoke room in a very swank place, which included food, open bar and champagne, mics, music... we provided the talent, and this group has it by the truckloads! Finally, we get the text! Our last member Scarlett is just around the corner; the flower girl. She flys in, drops her coat, and asks Lady Zombie for approval on her outfit. Of course its an eye popper, and shes a gorgeous girl. Now the drinking and the fun really begins! The thing about karaoke that I love is that it is for everyone. It doesnt matter if you can sing or not, thats not the point. A private room makes it even better to cut loose! However, our bride can really belt it out, so we are all excited to hear her sing, because this is her night, and she loves to. Honestly, as the day and night go on, I am so impressed with La Mortas choices for the bachlorette party. She managed to give Zombie everything she could have wanted... photo ops with the stars and a captive audience that loves her. Her mother was already crying after the first song. Others sang, of course. I shouldnt have sang with my throat all messed up, but Janis Joplin was calling me, so I got up to sing Bobby McGee and this I hope is in the video, because as Scarlett is singing with me and dancing and hugging me, she suddenly throws her arm up in the air and screams, Zombie! Zombie!!! Do I need to shave my armpits? Zombie! No, really... do I? What? I almost died laughing! it was so funny. Zombie nonchalantly ran her hand over Scarletts pits and proclaimed, No, youre fine. Scarlett says, Ok, good! And, she went right back to singing with me. La Morta asked me to please sing Son of a Preacher Man with her. Believe it or not, that is a hard song, but she has a sweet voice and did really well! Made me wonder what Preachers Son she deflowered.. .or debased because she had that look in her eye while singing it. Sasha can really sing a show tune, and probably should have had a career on Broadway. Who knows, maybe she still will. Scarlett sang something, and I have no idea what it was, but that girl sang with convictionI think she had extra confidence because she was sure her pits where smooth, and kept throwing her arms over her head when she sang. Then Zombie really got me... she handed me the mic and said, Sing it with me, sister. Yes, you guessed it... En Vogue Free Your Mind! We did it together for her album, so how can I say no? We had the best time... but DAMN that song went on forever! There was an amazing moment with Marilyn that I am not allowed to post video of... even though I have video of all of us singing, You better shape up, because I need a man, from Grease. I am waiting for the day she says I can, and then this shit will go viral! For now, we will keep this between just us girls, like so many other things that night. Venus sang in the most incredibly strange and beautiful voice Happy Bachelorette Party to Lady Zombie. It was so good that we asked her to do it twice. If Tim Burton ever meets this woman, he will flip out. He will think he dreamed her up himself! At this point we have eaten everything, drank everything, and sang everything... so it starts to get emotional. Munky started with, I knew you when you werent even Zombie yet. That made me smile, because this woman is one of Zombies oldest friendships... over 13 years. Thats special, to have someone who has know you so long with you for this time in your life. She then said, You are my longest relationship. That made us all laugh! She was around when Zombie first meet Ali, and she has boobs for days (thats just a side bar, has nothing to do with anything, but if you see her you will know why I wrote that). This is where we all start to talk about where we met Zombie, and what she means to us in our lives. Some stories were funny, some were emotional. These stories are just for us, that very special moment was for us to share as the women who will guide her to the altar, and watch her take her vows. But I can tell you there were a lot of tears and a lot of laughter... no shortage of love. Time to move on from Pulse... Zombie wants to be on the street in the air. We all gather upstairs, where Marilyns husband Zoth is waiting to pick her up. We stood on that side walk for an hour, and that man got abused. Not in a bad way, just a lot of drunken women talking about his penis, because Marilyn had no problem sharing information, and we had no problem listening. She is a satisfied woman, and now we all know exactly why, and how, and when. Like that night as soon as they get home, surely. He handled all of this very well with no facial expression changes. As soon as that topic started, it was over, and we were on to the next thing. There were more tears and hugs and laughter, until Mama Zombie was like, OK, we gotta get off this street before the cops come pick us up for loitering, and she used Zombies government name, and we all know that means she is serious... or drunk or both! Marilyns husband offers to drive all of us downtown to the next club. I am going so I can catch a cab from the Lower East Side and go home to finally lay down and rest before I die. As I climb in the back seat, I start to think about some of Marilyns stories, and wonder exactly what has gone on in the back of this minivan. Best not to think about it! It is a hilarious ride downtown. Loud women talking and giggling, one pit stop for Zombie to pee, and then off again. We arrive, park, and I exit stage left, to go home and take care of myself... but I hear it got crazy after that, so this one time I am going to allow Zombie (in her own voice) to tell you what happened next, because I wasnt there, and frankly the story must be included In Lady Zombies Words I cant pretend like I didnt know there was no way this night was going to end at a reasonable hour. In fact, I wore my high-heeled Harleys because I know from experience that I can strut in those babies all night long. What the hell is a reasonable hour anyway? After Honi Harlow got into a taxi on 1st Avenue off of 4th Street, we all attempted to go into Karma Lounge, thinking a few more drinks and some Hookah sounded like a nice way to wind down. Im almost happy that they didnt let us in... I should mention that I have produced and hosted events there since 2009, but I didnt know the bouncers at the door, and Scarletts ID was expired. The wouldnt even let her in to go pee. My mother almost had a conniption! Her parting words to them were, Not going to go let my adopted daughter use the bathroom? FINE! Dont call 911 if you need them. They wont come! I pretty much dragged her away from the door before she jumped on these 6 foot tall bouncers. Like Honi said, shes a firecracker, and at 5 foot nothing, I didnt doubt she could still drop those looming thugs. Next best idea - the Pyramid Club! It was only a few blocks away, so since Zoth had easily found a parking spot, he and Marilyn decided to stick it out with us for a little longer. Venus had gone to work at Webster Hall, so at this point the group now consists of: me, mom, Scarlett, La Morta, Sasha, Zoth and Marilyn. The bouncer there exclaims, Hi Lady Zombie! I promptly inform him that Im with all my sexy friends to celebrate my Bachelorette Party, so we waves the cover charge and lets us all in for free. We head straight to the basement, where the weekly Goth/Industrial party DefCon is in full swing. We run into plenty of people we know, and thankfully they were all friendly faces. The bartender took care of all of us when she heard what we were there to celebrate! Its definitely nice to know great people in the subculture. Anyway, we danced for hours, beat up on one of my self-professed slave boys, took piggy back rides on him across the dance floor, and took dozens of photos that we didnt actually know about until almost a week or two later... and DAMN, we look fucked up. But thats the memory, and I love every second of it. Zoth and Marilyn went home at some point, which I cannot recall specifically due to a significant haze of alcohol. Sire Davidson comes to our rescue yet again! The Pyramid is pretty close to closing now, so its definitely after 3am, and our makeup is starting to feel and look of the wrath of sweat, liquor, dancing and 12 hours of partying. We (me, mom, Scarlett, La Morta and Sasha) pile into Daves car with the intention of all going back to my apartment. At the last second, Sasha jumps out of the car. She has decided that she isnt ready to spend a night away from her gorgeous baby girl yet. I make her promise to call when she gets home, and we continue on the way. That car ride was pretty fun. Loud music, singing, screaming, laughing, kissing... and then a swerve in the road that had Scarletts eyes shooting wide open in a panic. She lunges across my lap towards the window and... doesnt make it in time. Thats okay, its mostly vodka so its water colored. Gotta love her anyway. We giggle, clean up as much as we can, and head the rest of the way to the house. Scarlett immediately gets naked to jump in the shower, I get naked to put on something more comfortable, La Morta and I bring Scarlett more champagne while she is in the shower, I try to molest Ali (I fail) and the night pretty much ends there, because we are all suffering from extreme fucked-up-ness and exhaustion. But it was well worth it. I cant thank my girls enough for a night that I will surely remember forever, thanks to Honis blog and tons of photos! But even through the haze of alcohol, the laughter and memories we created will stay with me always. Love you all.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

and the fun continues..

The continuing saga of Lady Zombie’s bachelorette month...

We were supposed to have a break. There was supposed to have been a night off. So, how am I in the backseat of a car, eating alcapurrias out of  Lady Zombie’s hand and chicken out of a bag, screaming at the top of my lungs, and laughing my ass off? ...Rewind to...

“Hey sis! My whole office has a happy hour at Butterfield 8. Want to come?”

Now this is an off night from bachelorette fantasia, but I figure - what the hell, free booze! Wepa! Yes!

I arrive and am given my instructions, “Sister, only use my government name here, ok?” I guess no yelling, ‘Hey, Zombie! Can we use this guy as a bench?’ across the bar. What I didn’t think about was that she would be using my government name, too, and that it would make me giggle to hear her say it, so all her co workers probably think I am the “slow” sister.

We get there and each down two glasses of wine. Then we get our bracelets for the open bar, which means many rounds of Jack and coke. Zombie greets each person with, “Welcome to my open bar!” as she throws her arms up in the air. I think she’s just being crazy, until I realize she actually won it for her office. She’s not crazy. It is her open bar... oh!

We are awaiting the arrival of the third bachelorette mania member, La Morta, who is running late. We keep watching the door, and then Zombie gets the text... La Morta has been hit by a cab! And she was not in a car. The cab actually hit her body. But she’s okay and on her way. I start worrying about what happened to the cab driver, and every bad line from a movie runs through my head, which I can’t help but yell at her when she walks through the door.

Dustin Hoffman’s ‘Rhinestone Cowboy’ - “I’m walking here!”

Will Ferrell from ‘Elf’ - “Watch out! The yellow ones don’t stop!”

I take her to the bathroom to calm down before we can proceed to drink her pain away. We meet a lot of Zombie’s co-workers... and we’ll leave it at that.

Time runs out at the free open bar, so of course we bounce. Standing outside smoking, we decide that La Morta and Zombie should actually get legally married, get a brownstone, a yard, a dungeon... you know, the basics. And then their bitches could visit. We also decide the night isn’t over. Luckily, Sire Davidson, our good friend and Zombie’s constant ride everywhere, has shown up to make sure we not only stay out of trouble, but that we get where we are going without getting arrested. Big job.

We jump in the car and head to the best metal bar in Brooklyn. Duff’s is this little hole in the wall and it’s exactly what I would envision Zombie and La Morta’s brownstone dungeon to look like. Of course there is some guy who is trying to hook his singer girlfriend up with Zombie. We are all having a good laugh as he is telling Zombie how good it would be for her business. The girlfriend is already in love with her and following her like a puppy outside to smoke. It never ends but of course Zombie remains a lady. And by that, I mean, keeps on her shoes and stockings.

A few more drinks, and we leave to go to the cuchifritos around the corner. This is where the magic happens. Four blood sausages to take home to Ali, four alcapurrias to devour ourselves, and then I look at the server, point and say, “I want that.” She looks and says, “The whole thing?” “Yes, the whole thing!” She giggles, picks a huge roasted chicken, and throws it on the cutting board. With a meat cleaver, she chops it to pieces! Sire Davidson and I just watch her, mouths open. It was hot! Then, she shoved it in a bag (hence: chicken in a bag.).

At this point the night is lost to me feeding La Morta and Zombie greasy chicken from a bag, and Zombie feeding us alcapurrias. Sire Davidson just looks at us three, drunken, ravenous women with a bag of greasy chicken, and he goes to the trunk of his car. He hands us paper towels. There was one brief moment of silence with the three of us looking like bad five year olds, before someone says, “What are you, Zombie’s mom?” and we all fell out laughing. He drops me off in front of my house, and I wave goodbye to the bride, her maid of honor, and their gallant chauffeur, and carry what is left of that poor chicken in a bag up six flights of stairs. It’s just another fun night in the time referred to as “Bridethulu & Friends” by the bride. But this is just the calm before the storm...

Monday, April 8, 2013

Lady Zombies Bridal Mania! l

The next few blogs are going to be dedicated to what I like to call “Bachelorette Month.” For those of you who have ever been involved in a wedding, you know all the details that go in it. But you have no idea what a web we weave around the upcoming nuptials of Lady Zombie and Ali.

It’s not your normal black tie, bride in white, kind of event. And what a disappointment it would be if was! I was honored when I was asked to be the emcee of the wedding of the century, and that might be an understatement. There are so many components to this event that I can’t even begin to explain what I have had to take into consideration; most importantly, what I will be wearing. According to the bride, everyone and I mean everyone, must be dressed in black, purple, leather and fur. All I can say to that is, “Awesome!” I’ve been planning the outfit for a year. We have all been updated or posted on various websites, on choice of invitation design, honeymoon location, centerpieces, rings, wedding dress, rituals and vows. It has been so much fun to watch Lady Zombie create her big day. We have all, in different ways, played a part in bringing this day to fruition.

So, let’s get to the fun: Day One - Bachelorette Month.

I have been working so many hours that it has been hard to spend time with sis during the past few months, but I promised I would be there for the first day of bachelorette month! And that day was “Gun-toting Babes Day!” You guessed it - her first planned event is at a gun range where we ladies, and I do mean ladies, would get the opportunity to blow off some steam. However, it was at 10:45 on a Saturday morning. Now not for nothing, but I work in a bar and I finish work at 3:30 am, and then of course there is the mandatory stop by an after hours club to wind down afterwards. So what does the bride get from me at 4:51 am? A text saying, “still out don’t worry I am ready!”

Cut to waking up at 10:42 am in all my clothes and my coat. FUCK!!! She is going to kill me... however, being a wise woman, I had laid out my required leather and S&M boots the day before just for such an emergency! I was dressed in 5 minutes flat, threw my hair up, slapped on red lipstick, grabbed sunglasses, hit the street, jumped in a cab, and got to the gun range by 11:10 am. WEPA! I swaggered in, full leather gear, looked at the door man, told him I need a shot, walked through the the gun range, peered over my glasses at the gun range boys (who looked so out of place in Manhattan, you would think you had just crossed into another dimension), and said, “Who the hell has a Bachelorette month and why?” as I stomp my foot. Yes, I am a child; everyone knows it. They all laugh, take my info, and sweep me into class with all the other leather clad ladies.

I have to tell you how much fun the teacher was having with all of us. He could barely contain himself. I’m pretty sure he didn’t right after we left... if you know what I mean. We all had great aim, took it very seriously, and looked somewhat like an all- badass-girl militia. I hope my sis won’t mind that I include this one little bit of conversation as we were next to each other at the range.

The instructor asks her, “So, what do you do?”

Lady Zombie,  “Well, do you mean my day job or night job?”

Instructor, “Well... both?”

Lady Zombie, “By day I work at as a recruiter.”

Instructor, “And at night?”

Lady Zombie, “At night I am a dominatrix.”

“Oh!” he replied, blushing.

As she brings the rifle to her shoulder and takes aim at the target, I hear him drop his voice and say, “What house do you work in? I’ve never seen you in any of the places.”

If you could have seen the look my sis gave him over the butt of her rife... and then she fired off a few rounds... Bang, bang, bang... I know he probably just lost his shit right there!

We all had a great time, and of course our fearless leader now wants group pictures of us. As he stood in front of all of us, he nonchalantly throws his hands up in the air and exclaims, “Oh, never mind, ladies - go ahead! I know I said never do it, but go ahead aim the barrels at me.” In dead silence, without hesitation or question, all of us drop our weapons and take aim. You could almost feel the shudder of joy that ripped through his body!

Afterward, all of us leather clad babes sauntered through the city, turning heads and frightening children (no, really... we did). I don’t know what happened to New York that it is such a suburban place, the little towheaded kids will stare in disbelief and act like we all have two heads. Disappointing. However, we did run into a hot pink bike, and Zombie and I took a great pic for our fetish blog, Femme Cyclophilia.

At lunch, we also attracted a lot of attention. Was it the the smell of leather or gunpowder? We all have drinks and food, and decide to go our separate ways, but I decided the bride and I should go have drinks at “Beauty Bar,” and two other gun-toting babes decide to come along for the fun! Just one... hah, we all know it’s never just one.

I learned more about the other girls and a paradise called “Easter Island.” Well, I knew about the big head shaped stone statues there, who doesn’t? But what I didn’t know, was apparently they have tattoo covered, bareback riding men called the Rapi Nui... let’s just leave that fantasy for another blog. I may just like the word... or, that might be my new mantra.

A few hours later, we are drunk and standing outside of “Beauty Bar” smoking Marlboro Reds, and a very cute little boy gives me the most flirtatious eyes... he could not have been more than 4! Of course we all saw his chubby little self coming down the street, and leather clad vixens or not, we had to exclaim, “Oh, how cute is he?!” I just looked at his mom and said, “You are in so much trouble!” There is hope for New York yet.

So even though at 4 pm when we were all intending to go home, another lady and I decide it would be a great idea to go home with Zombie and continue the fun with Ali and whoever else shows up. I am just going to tell you in case you ever have the opportunity to go to her house, you are not leaving. Period. Here is what happens for me...

First, I get bitched at for not being around enough, then I get hugged and given vodka (because that is such a good idea to give me vodka). Within in an hour or so, Zombie puts me in pajamas. Eventually, she will tuck me in bed while the party continues, because I need sleep since I haven’t slept in a week. But before I am tucked in, her mom drops by. She doesn’t want to come in, but since we all run out into the street and surround her car and insist she park, she does. Then, she looks at me, calls me M.I.A., and says, “Bitch, where you been? I guess I can take that missing in action report down from the station.” Then there are tears over baby girl getting married, yelling, and a genius whip and crop fight between mother and daughter that leaves us all laughing on the floor.

Other people show up, and I have been given my side of the bed, but the bedroom doors are left open so I can still be part of the party as I doze in and out. The whole thing goes hysterical as always (the best conversations and laughter  in her house). And then, of course, a good game of spin the bottle. We all can’t figure out why Ali insists on needing a towel for this game? I am filming all of it from the bed, of course. After all the fun and silliness people begin to drift off or get in serious conversations. Around 5 am I hear in the living room someone is leaving and offering rides to people back to the city. Zombie had passed out next. We both had fallen asleep with our iPhones in our hands. This day and age, it’s a security blanket. I jump from bed, do a quick change from pj’s back into my leather, and hitch a ride back to my waiting bed.

Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is one hell of a first day of “Bachelorette Month!”

Next week, Madame Tussaud’s and karaoke... uh oh? Sigh... when will I sleep

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Then, and Now

Recently, I read some old diaries, looked at date books. I laughed as I remembered one of my first gigs in NYC. It was at the Bowery Poetry Club for a monthly night of entertainment, coupled with a poetry reading called Q2. The first night was an eye opening experience. All the women were tough, angry, ... and butch. “My mother met my mother in prision.” My favorite line of the night.

There was no joy; all angry and dark. And then here we go, dressed like hookers from the 80’s, singing songs like “Baby got Sack,” but that was just on stage. Back stage, in the dressig room... that's where the real show is. I was back stage with Johnny Kat and Lucrezia Blozia. One drag king, one drag queen, old friends getting ready for the show. Johnny turns to Lucrezia and says, "Did you ever think there would come a day where I was strapping on?" To which lucrezia replied, "Did you ever think you would see me tucking it back?" I looked at both of them and said, "Well I never thought I’d be standing here witnessing the event!"

I was in the midst of a genital switch, and as Murray Hill would say, "That's show biz, folks!"

That is not even the half of what goes on back stage! I had so many adventures at the Bowery. I did my first, full on burlesque number there, attended work shops, did 100 other numbers, sang Janis... and one birthday after performing there, I got spanked from the Bowery Poetry Club to the R-bar. I thought, "Isn’t New York just fucking grand!?"

I performed at WOW theater, NYC’s longest running collective theatre. It was a speakeasy theme, and it was during a blizzard. I walked home to Spring Street. Everything was white and empty, glittering like my future burlesque career. All diamond dust and no cars, just drifts and drifts of dreams and imagination. It could have been the 1920's. I was in a time warp. I took it from stage to street to home, all warm with applause and red wine. It's a dream life. Things people wish they could run off and do, and here I was, doing it.

My group used to open for a show called Butch McCloud at WOW theatre. It was a transgender theatre company. Let me tell you, I never had to open a door get my drink or carry a bag around the “bois.” Those shows would start at 2am.

There where shows at One Arm Red in Brooklyn, the Slipper Room, Galapagos, Duplex, the Skylight Room, Riffi, Chashama, Here Theatre... it was a surge of art and interest and venues. On any night, you would find yourself booked with Julie Atlaz Muz, Dirty Martini, Tigger, World Famous Bob, Scotty the Blue Bunny, all so much fun to work with. There was no real protocol to getting in, no classes really, just a few workshops. It was a 'go see shows and try it' atmosphere. Girls and boys who were a little expressive and very artistic had a place to play and develop acts.

Gone... that is all gone.

All things must change. It’s the way it goes. Recently I sang at one of the last shows at the Bowery Poetry Club. It's no secret that Duane Park is taking over the space to continue their dinner style of shows. But even so, gone will be the stage that all of us treaded; we laughed, cried, peed and bled on that stage. Whatever it took, there where no limits. Ask anyone who has been around, and they have been on the Bowery Stage.

So... next... what do we look forward to? Where will the up and coming nightlife perfomers put up their untried ideas? Who knows. When our neo burlesque pioneers started, they couldn’t convince a venue to let them have a show, much less a stage. They broke the city in for us. Maybe, somehow, it will happen again.

No... it MUST happen again, because New York has a tradition. We are considered one of the artistic hubs of the world. Performance art must be seen by the unwashed masses, otherwise it's just theatre in your living room, and no one cares. Where now will we have a space to grow?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Sister Honey

Some nights are made of magick. This past Friday was one of them. To start, I was sound checking for my show at Ella Lounge when my friend, a very sexy cowboy-looking Angelo sauntered in. He was doing his very own bar crawl up and down Ave A, so I contributed to his cause and bought him a shot of whiskey. When he left, he looked over his shoulder with a sideways grin said, "See you at Stevie’s later tonight, but I’ll be so drunk I won’t remember I was here!" Gotta love my friends - they just tell it like it is.

Harlow’s Hide-a-way was so amazing. I have found our "Den of Iniquity" in Ella Lounge, down in the basement with the arched ceiling, where we all change and put our make-up on, gossip and drink, help each other straighten bra straps and g-strings, making sure the pasties and eye lashes are on, even learn the newest bootie trick! Believe me, they just keep coming until we open the house and all pick up our drag badges and escape behind the curtain, until we reveal ourselves to an audience sitting on the edge of their seats, all caught up in the spell we are casting on them. And we do, in the most hilarious, light-hearted way.

And this Friday it got sucio... (that means dirty in spanish). All the girls did a classic piece to start with and then came back for the 2nd half and showed off their Neo side. Cheeky Lane amazed us with her doll house... wink wink... Boo Boo Darlin' did it slow motion for me... Bunny Buxom threw out a little blood, sugar and sex magick, and the Maine Attraction did what she does best... set the night on fire. The gatekeeper, Mado, was watching out, making sure both our money and our bodies were well protected. I love my show and my burlesque artists! Glad I‘ve found a place to do what I do best... entertain you! Come see the next one... it gets steamy! But you are also sure to laugh.

After that I went to see my Sister Zombie sing in the Night of 1000 Stevies. It was a crazy, packed event as it is every year. The costumes were amazing, the drag queens were out in full force and gorgeous as always! Zombie sang crystal clear and was so beautiful she took my breath away. Ali was graceful as a cat on stage with her, and it was a great number.

After the show we hung out, and there was Angelo as he had promised, still wearing his cowboy hat, only he remembered coming to Ella. How? I have no idea how, because he was definitely drunk! His pixie of a daring girlfriend Colleen did a great job somehow dancing with him and not letting him fall on the floor. Then, one of the greatest jokes to date, and it’s not even a joke really just life making us laugh, Zombie was introducing me to one of the Queens from the show and she said, "This is my fiancĂ© Ali, and this is my sister Honi." The Queen stopped, gaped at me, laughed and said, "Do you know what the Steve Nicks song 'Sister Honey' is referring too?" And I said, "No."

"Well, she wrote that song when she was screwing a guitarist who really, you know, loved to go down, if you know what I mean... and he called it 'Sister Honey'."

Zombie and I looked wide eyed at each other and burst out laughing. She has been introducing me as Sister Honi for a long time! So it was decided that every time she introduces me, I must do a lady like gesture to my "Sister Honey." So I did the rest of the night! People were somewhat confused. I can’t wait for her wedding! If she has out of town relatives, it will be amazing.

Lyrics from SISTER HONEY:

Alright, baby
Well, I think you will like Sister Honey
She will help you
Make up your mind
even if you don't need her
Tell her you need her
She needs you brother
She needs you brother

And she'll go fast like a jet plane
And then fast like a star stream
She'll hit you with a fury
Whispering the words one more time, baby
One more time
And she says don't let that golden hair
Get in your way now

After that, thrown out on the street when Night of a 1000 Stevies closed at 3am, we slink down the street garbed in black lace, body armor and beaded fringes, white fangs flashing as we laughed and body glitter iridescent in the street light. Searching for a bar... any bar that will give us last call. Along the way we pick up others, of course, on our same mission, dressed in pearls and white lace - kindred spirits. Problem is, we are on the west side in mid-town… that means nothing to be found and the blocks are long. 

I stop at a bodega and ask the guys out front, "Where is there a bar?" He said, "There is an Irish place around the corner... but it’s 3:45 already they won’t serve you!" I smiled and said “If it’s Irish... they’ll serve us.” Not only did they serve us, but locked the doors, gave us free drinks, lets us smoke and took pictures with us! We stumbled out as the sun rose... and the light and the smell of the street changed. Ah, New York, just when I think your losing your edge... an Irish miracle... or maybe just a little Stevie Magick.